New blog. If you read this alot and want to know where I’ve gone mailme and I’ll give you the adress to the new blog.

Edit: You know what? I didn’t post the link to my new blog because I didn’t want all the people in my life reading it, it seems silly but for a time there I questioned the fact that people who knew me could use those words against me. It has happened before. But these words are not for me, they never were (I would of written in a diary if that was the case). They were always for those random prowlers on the Internet. This has kinda become a history of my last few years struggeling with life. I have always wished that there was a warning lable on life, I wish there was somewhere to go to read about what to exepect in life. Unfortunatly my body never came with a manual. So I write here. I got the impression that I had changed, that I needed to focus on the things that inspire me instead of what is crap but the crap never really left. There will always be crap and if the people that know me want to use it against me, go ahead. I never wrote this for me. I wrote it for you, this has been the manual to my life. This is the new chapter. http://allsprouts.wordpress.com/

This is the records for the kingdom of Azami.

The Knight Swain, the first knight to ride into Camelot. Also the first to leave.
The Knight Bahadur who enjoyed riding with his fellow knights across the grassy meadows to conquer there own dragons.
The Knight Himanshu looked into the river at his reflection until the sunset, he sat there gazing into that shimmering pool for many moons.
The Knight Aquarius who was taken by a life at sea and chose to follow his dream.
The Knight Perdita who was taken captive by the peasants to toil as there servant for the remainder of his days.
The Black Knight. Who tempted the princess into taking the poison apple. He shalt not be remembered
The former peasant Blaine was slain just after he was Knighted Knight Tukupasya by his foot-servant. His foot servant incidentally was a descendant of the black night.
The Knight Aniani who the princess found lost in the forest and went on a quest to find him his lost kingdom.
The Knight Abhinav left his country for one that beyond him, unknowing to him it was the sirens call.
The Knight Adronicus went too far to conquer the princesses heart and ended up in a far off country that not even king would dare follow.
The Knight Amaro who looked like he could conquer the mightiest of dragons but was found to only be human after all.
The Knight Aquarius returns to tell his tales from the reaches of the farthest ocean only to return as quickly as he left.
The Knight Kapua’ula braved the dragon only to find that the princess wanted to return to her fiery dungeon because the knight was really the lost prince of a far away kingdom.
The Knight Asya who lost his way and killed the kingdoms peasants after the dragon stole and devoured his horse. After many months searching he lost his hounor.

The Princess Manashi-Ahlai took to her tower to await the Knight to free her from her wilting kingdom that was slowly destroyed by all those chivalry trying to save her. The Princess sighed as she thumbed a hibiscus flower that she had found just that morning growing up from in between the cracks in the cold stone floor. It’s solidarity reminded her of her own plight. When will the true Prince come to reclaim his throne? She wondered. Pacing the room she lent upon the window sill, looking out onto the ruins of the kingdom knowing that her tower was the only building left she let her arm dangle just enough to reach the cool bricks below the sill and with that she planted in between the crumbling mortar her last flag of hope, the solitary hibiscus flower.

I’m thinking about escaping… Where should I go?

For most of my life I have been craving for a role model, someone older, that I can goto for advice but also have a comfortable friendly relationship with. I don’t know if its because my mum died when I was five and I’ve really never been able to talk to an older woman parental figure or if it’s just a need to get help from someone.

I do have a lot of unresolved issues and talking about them to my boyfriend is getting harder and harder as time goes on because I’ve started to treat him the same way I treat my dad, its just to weird talking about that kind of thing. It’s just that he never has anything advice, he just wants to know whats on my mind, but I can’t bring myself to talk about it because it seems pointless forcing myself to go through the pain of talking about it again because all he wants me to do is stop being upset.

So the only people I have to talk to are my older friends, this one guy I used to be able to do about half half, talking about normal things and then talking about real stuff but the longer all of this goes on the more I want to talk about serious stuff, so I back of cos I can feel it suffocating the relationship. a lot of friends have been telling me to goto counselling but I know I won’t go if someone doesn’t make me.

I’m really stuck. I want advice from an older friend but I can’t get all I need from them… I can’t solve my problems by posting them on here either. But the rut I’m in, there isn’t any motivation to go to counselling.
Pickle.

Does anyone have a mentor type figure because they can’t rely on there parents? Or is the only option some stranger?

God Exsists.
Beauty.
Freedom.

Things I wish I could tell you;
I don’t trust you enough to let you in anymore.
That is why I don’t tell you things.
Prove to me that you can be a gentleman again.
Prove to me that you understand.

Ok, I’m going to finally admit it. I’ve been sucked dry. So much that It feels like my heart is being ripped out every time I try and talk about how much I don’t feel like me anymore. It discusts me that I’ve let myself get like this. I’ve been fighting for myself for awhile now, I guess depression gets like that, you get so caught up in being down that it’s like a drug. It’s your safety net. But my life was going nowhere so I decided to fight for my freedom to be myself again. Along came the boyfriend who’s ignorance and short-sightedness sucked me of all that I thought was me. Now all I am is angry and hurt and hiding myself from him. He thinks he’s doing fine by me but all he’s doing is hurting me and it hurts him that he doesn’t know how not to hurt me. I don’t know If I should deserve better or not. I’m questioning this because after I was sexually abused when I was 15 I’ve had trouble thinking that I’m worth anything at all. He makes me thinks that I’m worth it, I think he means it too but there are so many times where he’s proved he just doesn’t get me, to the point where he offends so often that I can’t even think straight anymore. I want my freedom back. I’d like to share it with him but every time I try he does something thats insulting.

People in the Middle Ages thought that aquamarine could magically overcome the effects of poison.

Sometimes it looks like the sea, some times it looks like the sky. I like it because it reminds me of freedom.

I can’t even think how to start this blog. That is how much I don’t want to talk about anything God related right now. It’s in my head somewhere. Something about pushing you away so far that you must be uberly frustraited at me. I’ve seen that video on youtube… I wish I could remember what It’s called (Link). I get it. You want me. But at the moment I am so angry at you and I don’t know why. It’s probably because I am STILL sick. So when am I going to get my life back? Look, I know you brought James into my life and I an eternaly greatful for that. Makes me angry for wanting to question am I being selfish wanting my health back? Is it wrong for me to question whether or not I deserve that back? Why do you have to go on breaking my heart over and over again. Screw the devil. Why is he even still around? It would be alot easier if you made yourself a little clearer so I don’t get you two confused. Can you blame me for ignoring you? Seriously? After all of this hurt that I’ve been through. Trusting you might take a little bit of time.

I don’t think I appreciate you enough. Right now, I’m marveling at the extent of my selfishness. I’m blaming it on my instinct to hide when I’m hurt. I really wish I knew how to stop being so selfish. I’ve told myself that the only way I’m going to get better is to help myself, because I was telling myself that I wasn’t worth it. Being depressed at the same time as being sick is really confusing. I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel trying to be the best I can be. I’m lost, I really am and I don’t know how to help myself or let anyone else help me. It doesn’t make any sense… None of it. I’m trying, I really am. I just seem to be doing a bad job of it. In my head I want it to be all about you. It seems like it is but when I look harder I see my focus is really on me. I hate it.

I love you. I really hope you know that. Our lives together are only going to get better.
I hope.

I don’t think I want to accept that I need grace… Thinking about it makes me kringe. Why?

Here’s Where I Stand - Tiffany Taylor 

Here in the Dark
I stand before you
This is my chance to show you my heart
This is the start, this is the start.

I have so much to say and I’m hoping
That your Arms are open
Don’t turn away, don’t you need me?
But you have to hear me.

Here’s where I stand,
Here’s who I am
Love me, but don’t tell me who I have to be
Here’s who I am,
I’m what you see.

You said I had to change and I was trying
But my heart was lying
I’m not a child any longer
I am stronger

Here’s where I stand,
Here’s who I am
Help me, to move on but please don’t tell me how
I’m on my way, I’m moving out

In this life we’ve come so far
but we’re only who we are
Courage of love
will show us the way
Unlock the power
To stand up and say

Here’s where I stand
Here’s who I am
(Stand Up) I’ll be counting, counting on you
If you’re with me, we’ll make it through

Here’s where I stand,
Here’s who I am
Love me, Love me, Love me, and we’ll make it through

Here’s where I stand,
Baby, Baby, Baby, I’m counting on you

Here’s where I stand
Love me, Love me, Love me, and we’ll make it through

I’m counting, Oooh,
I’m counting,
I’m counting, I’m counting on….
You

Here’s where I stand,
Here’s who I am
I’m counting on you

Here’s where I stand,
Here’s who I am
We’ll make it through

Here’s where I stand,
Here’s who I am
I’m counting on you

Here’s where I stand,
Here’s who I am
We’ll make it through