The 14 Knights

This is the records for the kingdom of Azami.

The Knight Swain, the first knight to ride into Camelot. Also the first to leave.
The Knight Bahadur who enjoyed riding with his fellow knights across the grassy meadows to conquer there own dragons.
The Knight Himanshu looked into the river at his reflection until the sunset, he sat there gazing into that shimmering pool for many moons.
The Knight Aquarius who was taken by a life at sea and chose to follow his dream.
The Knight Perdita who was taken captive by the peasants to toil as there servant for the remainder of his days.
The Black Knight. Who tempted the princess into taking the poison apple. He shalt not be remembered
The former peasant Blaine was slain just after he was Knighted Knight Tukupasya by his foot-servant. His foot servant incidentally was a descendant of the black night.
The Knight Aniani who the princess found lost in the forest and went on a quest to find him his lost kingdom.
The Knight Abhinav left his country for one that beyond him, unknowing to him it was the sirens call.
The Knight Adronicus went too far to conquer the princesses heart and ended up in a far off country that not even king would dare follow.
The Knight Amaro who looked like he could conquer the mightiest of dragons but was found to only be human after all.
The Knight Aquarius returns to tell his tales from the reaches of the farthest ocean only to return as quickly as he left.
The Knight Kapua’ula braved the dragon only to find that the princess wanted to return to her fiery dungeon because the knight was really the lost prince of a far away kingdom.
The Knight Asya who lost his way and killed the kingdoms peasants after the dragon stole and devoured his horse. After many months searching he lost his hounor.

The Princess Manashi-Ahlai took to her tower to await the Knight to free her from her wilting kingdom that was slowly destroyed by all those chivalry trying to save her. The Princess sighed as she thumbed a hibiscus flower that she had found just that morning growing up from in between the cracks in the cold stone floor. It’s solidarity reminded her of her own plight. When will the true Prince come to reclaim his throne? She wondered. Pacing the room she lent upon the window sill, looking out onto the ruins of the kingdom knowing that her tower was the only building left she let her arm dangle just enough to reach the cool bricks below the sill and with that she planted in between the crumbling mortar her last flag of hope, the solitary hibiscus flower.

Escape

I’m thinking about escaping… Where should I go?

Notes

God Exsists.
Beauty.
Freedom.

Things I wish I could tell you;
I don’t trust you enough to let you in anymore.
That is why I don’t tell you things.
Prove to me that you can be a gentleman again.
Prove to me that you understand.

Where did it all go?

Ok, I’m going to finally admit it. I’ve been sucked dry. So much that It feels like my heart is being ripped out every time I try and talk about how much I don’t feel like me anymore. It discusts me that I’ve let myself get like this. I’ve been fighting for myself for awhile now, I guess depression gets like that, you get so caught up in being down that it’s like a drug. It’s your safety net. But my life was going nowhere so I decided to fight for my freedom to be myself again. Along came the boyfriend who’s ignorance and short-sightedness sucked me of all that I thought was me. Now all I am is angry and hurt and hiding myself from him. He thinks he’s doing fine by me but all he’s doing is hurting me and it hurts him that he doesn’t know how not to hurt me. I don’t know If I should deserve better or not. I’m questioning this because after I was sexually abused when I was 15 I’ve had trouble thinking that I’m worth anything at all. He makes me thinks that I’m worth it, I think he means it too but there are so many times where he’s proved he just doesn’t get me, to the point where he offends so often that I can’t even think straight anymore. I want my freedom back. I’d like to share it with him but every time I try he does something thats insulting.

Aquamarine

People in the Middle Ages thought that aquamarine could magically overcome the effects of poison.

Sometimes it looks like the sea, some times it looks like the sky. I like it because it reminds me of freedom.

…

My heart feels like it’s crying.
I feel so drained.
I havn’t felt like this in awhile.
I used to feel like this all the time.
But with you there my heart rejoyced.
I only feel like this now because I’m weak and scaired.
I want to make you happy.
I feel bad because I think I’m petty and your the one who has to put up with it.

Quiz

1.) Pick 7 people you know; good or bad.
2.) Don’t say their names, just write a bit about them.
3.) They can guess, but you don’t have to say if they are right.
4.) Don’t put them in any special order

Family friends, who would of thought I would actually become friends with you for real. I havn’t seen you for ages, and it would be good to hang out again and catch up. You in girlfriend mode is amusing. I miss getting lifts with you to stuff because it was the only real time we got to talk. It was cool that you tried to understand me even though you had no idea what it was really like. I wish I could be as compassionate as you.

I wish I had more to say to you right now. I really want to talk to you and hang out but I just don’t know what to say. You give me something to aspire to. You are a really good person and because of that you intimidate me sometimes. I really hope we can have more time to talk this year because you keep me sane. I really love the time we have together and the friendship that we share. I miss being close to you.

Well, you are hilarious. What more can I say. Being able to be random with you and your random back it incredibly satisfying. I think we rub each other the wrong way sometimes, you are stubborn when your pissed and that annoys me. Though I do think most of the time that us being angry is just plain fun. I think there’s to many of us who feel like swallowing the riptide. That hurts, I want to fix us both. You get life and that makes me love you that much more. Can’t wait til you move, a new exciting adventure for the both of us.

Your going away for a year, It just seems like I’ve just gotten to know you. I trust you so much, even though it got a bit weird for awhile I am incredibly grateful that you consider me as a friend. What you told me has given me so much hope for what I can achieve. You are so incredibly generous, caring and friendly. Even though I get the feeling you still think I’m immature I don’t really mind. I can’t wait to hear about your trip. You are truly inspiring.

I know that it may seem that have nothing to say, but really in the end your the only person that really gets me. You have been my best for pretty much forever. Hanging out with you has probably been the highlight of my year since we first got close. I wish I could pull your perfect boy out of the woodwork for you. I wish I still had the pzazz as much as you. I miss the silliness. I know I’ve got it in there somewhere. I wish I could help all the things you’ve told me. You being able to see through life and understand it makes me love you that much more. It seems like you don’t have time to talk anymore… Miss you.

You. You are so frustrating. You assume to much to fast. But you love so hard, you care so much. You see what the world is really like. You get me. I get you. Sometimes more than were both comfortable with. There was always that possibility, I’m glad we didn’t get out of hand. I want so much for you and I hope you get it all. We need to talk more, I wish you wern’t so afraid of talking to me. We work well together. I love the fact that we challange each other. I need you for that. You have helped me more than you know. More talking is needed. Msn… Get your internet fixed damn it.

Its hard to tell where I end and you start. Sometimes I wish I could tell but then you make me see how much of me isn’t really me. Your helping me see what the good version of me could be like. You care, your holding onto me as much as I’m holding onto you. I know with you I am safe from myself. I am depending on you to help me get better. You are more than I could ever ask for. There has been a billion moments where I’ve seen a little more of you, flashes of who you really are. I really love those times, I want to remember them forever. Your humanity has amazed me so many times. Your bodyheat keeps my heart warm. I just wish you could see how good people actually can be, even if you don’t know them. I want to liberate you from whats holding you back. I can’t wait for the rest of our lives. I love you.

Affection Rant; about nothing much

I love you…
As a friend of cource, but you should know that right? Even if I havn’t told you outright to your face. I mean I would if I didn’t get the feeling that you have this 50 foot no girls allowed just in case rule. It’s eather that or you don’t think were that close. Hey it’s probably me just over reacting, being too self centered and all that. I know I don’t like feeling guilty for wanting to get to know you more and naturally I would think it’s all my fault. I just don’t know how you see me, If I’m allowed to act normally around you or if there’s boundaries. How do you know where the boundaries are if you have never tested them, right? Maybe I’m just so socially depraved that I come off too intence. I don’t think my affection comes off in a weird way, but maybe you see it as a differnt kind of affection… I poke people, thats just me, I do it to everyone, you should be grateful I hold off slapping your arse. God knows Fi gets a butt full of it. Ha, I don’t think I would do that to you anyway. So affection isn’t your thing, I guess your just cautious about that kinda stuff. I don’t mean anything by it, but I guess you don’t see it that way. Even writing all of this deems me self abosrbed, thinking that there’s somthing wrong with me instead of just allowing you to be sad. No wonder you don’t talk, you don’t get a chance too. I just wish I knew you knew I care, and I’m here, just like you were there for me when I needed you. Though I think you only ever ment it to be one-sided. I just don’t want to come off like I need to be needed. I’m fine now. But it looked like you wern’t… I just hope I’m not over reacting. I hope you will be ok…

15 Things

 
I would walk 1000 miles,
I would go out and get drunk,
I would go to gallaries,
I would go to the vintage car show,
I would get a job,
I would go to uni,
I would walk through parks,
I would go camping,
I would lead at coola,
I would lead at a youth group,
I would voulanteer at the rspca,
I would sit anywhere at church,
I would drink more water,
I wouldn’t be reluctant to meet people,
I wouldn’t be anxious anymore,
if my bladder wasn’t fucked.

Danish

This is a blog about danish. I like danish. Danish Danish Danish Danish… Yeah! All kinds. Tasty tasty moo biscuts. (Not the human kind)

Ogle the wallpaper. Upsidedown Upsidedown!

Postsecret?

12 Things I don’t want people to know
(But I can’t hide)

1. I’m afriad to leave the house. (or be more than 100m away from a toilet)

2. I try not to make friends because I don’t want them to have to put up with me being sick like I have too.

3. I write blogs because I’m afraid that when I die no one will know who I really was.

4. Happiness and Depression are differnt sides of the same coin for me.

5. The only reason I’m so wrapped up in my past is because it has a habit of being my present when I least expect it.

6. The think I wish the most is that I could help people more. The thing that’s stopping me is the fear that I need more help than they do. And they will see that. The other thing I wish the most, is that I want to be selfless. I don’t know how to need help and be selfless at the same time.

7. I don’t get help because I don’t want my Dad to know who I really am.

8. Music inspires me, Art expresses me. If I do too much of eather, I hate them. Just like If I’m with me too much, I hate myself.

9. I beleive that my freedom will bring me the most happiness. Freedom for me is not being sick. Freedom is being with my friends and not feeling out of place. Nothing else seems more important.

10. I want to run away from all that society asks of us. Just so I can find out who I really am. From Scratch.

11. I despratly want to feel loved.

12. I want to tell people how much they meen to me, so I can get on with life and enjoy it for what it is. So I can meet more people and enjoy their uniqueness. I want to share life.

Unseen, Unsought, And Uncertain

Captivating, unveiling the mystery of a woman’s soul.
By John and Stasi Eldredge

Unseen, Unsought, And Uncertain.
I know I am not along in this nagging sense of failing to measure up,a feeling of not being good enough as a woman. Every Woman I’ve ever met feels it - Something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal compainion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeing on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone. After all, if we were better woman- whatever that means- life wouldn’t be so hard. Right? We wouldn’t have so many struggles; there would be less sorrow in our hearts. Why is it so hard to create meaningful friendships and sustain them? Why do our days seems so unimportant, filled not with romance and adventure but with duties and demands? We feel unseen, even by those who are closest to us. We feel unsought- that no one has the passion or the courage to persue us, to get past our messiness to find the woman deep inside. And we feel uncertain- uncertain what it even means to be a woman; uncertain what it truly means to be feminine; uncertain if we are or ever will be.
Aware of our deep failing, we pour contempt on our own hearts for wanting more. Oh, we long for intimacy and for adventure; we long to be the Beauty of some great story. But the desires set deep in our hearts seem like a luxury, granted only to those women who get there acts together. The message to the rest of us- whether from a driven culture or a driven church- is, try harder.

Eyes

Can you see me?

Am I still here?

Breathe.

Do I want to stay?

Do I want to leave?

Is there anything left worth fighting for?

Is there anyone left worth fighting for?

Do you still want me?

Do I still want me?

Do you trust me?

Can I still pray?

Do you want to hang with me?

Can you stand to be around me?

Is it too hard, not enough, too much?

Am I beautiful?

Am I worth it?

Haiku

Lifes a Bitch

Mark Ryden

God only knows

I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
Ill make you so sure about it

God only knows what I’d be without you

If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me

God only knows what I’d be without you

God only knows what I’d be without you

If you should ever leave me
Well life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me

God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I’d be without you

The Beach Boys

I Am a Gas

I am a gas
Pull me out from the satisfactory
Into another reality

I am that what has been
An enigma of reality
Nothing more than tragedy
Cost me more than I could anticipate
At what cost will I break

The road is getting longer
The patterns are getting stronger
The vine can’t hold me to the tree

Secure and congregate
So the world cannot eliminate
But it’s getting old,
The vine cannot hold
The vine cannot hold

My heart is cold.

A Little Bit Of Frustration

Getting to know yourself is essential to growing as a person, the other thing that’s needed for growth is outside influence and the best place to get it is your friends. A reciprocal relationship is tricky though and I’m sure you understand why. The willingness of someone to give as much as they take in any sort of relationship is pretty much the only way that stability is formed. But first you have to have something to give, to get them interested. Sounds a bit sinister doesn’t it? Then the next step usually goes something along the lines of “You like that? oh! I like that too!”

Why am I saying all of this? Mostly just to bitch. I’m tired, and my willingness to present something of worth to other people is limited. The people I would normally have to go through hoops to impress I just don’t have the energy for. It’s funny seeing people expecting you to dance for them, and then you don’t bother. It’s like they can see your potential, but the fact that your not trying to impress them is frustrating. I think I’m actually going to enjoy tormenting these people, I just hope they don’t read this blog. He he he. There’s a sad point to all of that too though, the people you can see potential in that just don’t have the time or aren’t interested enough to show you what you can see in them. There’s two sides to every equation, and I should never forget that. So patience and perseverance is the answer.

The only problem with growth is that sometimes you don’t grow in the same direction as the people your close too. Knowing how much effort you need to put into a relationship is tricky, because you can never really know how far away someone is or how much they are willing to try. That is added to all the other stuff that’s happening and all the other people your trying to hold onto, and the same in there life. So are best friends meant to change? Or are you meant to blame yourself for negligence of the relationship? Is it both your faults? The good thing about friendship though, is that it’s bendy and as much as there’s the possibility for it to disintegrate, there is as much possibility that it will come back together again. Patience and perseverance is the answer.

Growth involves two things, action and waiting. Why is it that action is encouraged and celebrated in today’s society and waiting is looked upon as a waist of time? Why is it that when someone is clearly joyous about waiting, they get pushed to do something? And why do people who are in pain get told to persevere by those people unwilling to support them? It seems like there is all these gaps where people should be doing things. This includes me.

It’s time to change.

I Don’t Get It

I don’t get church. There’s so many resons why I dislike going to church, but I still go. To see my friends. From the start of 2003 to march 2006 I considered myself a christian and went to church. But after I got baptised I felt like I had to leave, I gave up on trying pretty much. Church can be surprisingly demanding. Or maybe it was the lack of demand for my time that got to me. I think I only really stayed there for so long because I had a group of friends to support me. Then they left, because they all started uni and got lives. Now i’m at uni and starting a new life, well, I decided to see if I could start to goto a new church and make new friends. So I did, but it also got me thinking. Is church just about the people?

“A church is an association of people who share a particular belief system. The term church originally referred to a group sharing a faith based on Christianity.” - Wiki

Well then I guess it’s true, it is about the people. But do I beleive the same thing every one else does? Is that the goal of every church, to get people to beleive the same thing? If the church is just based on the broad spectrum of Christianity, are the denominations used to specify certain beleif systems then? There is tones of information in being a christian, so I guess it makes sence. But there is so much information, how am I ment to agree with it all? The last church I went to, well there was just so much going on I just ended up accepting everything they said because it was easier that way. This time, at the church i’m going to now, well I’m finding it alot harder to sort through all the information i’m given, because i’m making myself think through it all. They keep using so many words to describe the one thing, The church can be; The body of christ, the bride of christ, an olive tree, branches on a vine… the list goes on, and each has there own meaning and own story.

Theres one thing that anoys me at churches, its the people who explain a passage by taking it into peices and telling it again in modern day language with no real insight, like it’s not really practicle and you leave going, i’ll try and do that, but I don’t really know how. I guess in some situations you can’t really be specific, but there is a big difference in practical christianity and just re explaining a passage. I just hope I don’t encounter that too much at my new church.