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I’m thinking about escaping… Where should I go?

For most of my life I have been craving for a role model, someone older, that I can goto for advice but also have a comfortable friendly relationship with. I don’t know if its because my mum died when I was five and I’ve really never been able to talk to an older woman parental figure or if it’s just a need to get help from someone.

I do have a lot of unresolved issues and talking about them to my boyfriend is getting harder and harder as time goes on because I’ve started to treat him the same way I treat my dad, its just to weird talking about that kind of thing. It’s just that he never has anything advice, he just wants to know whats on my mind, but I can’t bring myself to talk about it because it seems pointless forcing myself to go through the pain of talking about it again because all he wants me to do is stop being upset.

So the only people I have to talk to are my older friends, this one guy I used to be able to do about half half, talking about normal things and then talking about real stuff but the longer all of this goes on the more I want to talk about serious stuff, so I back of cos I can feel it suffocating the relationship. a lot of friends have been telling me to goto counselling but I know I won’t go if someone doesn’t make me.

I’m really stuck. I want advice from an older friend but I can’t get all I need from them… I can’t solve my problems by posting them on here either. But the rut I’m in, there isn’t any motivation to go to counselling.
Pickle.

Does anyone have a mentor type figure because they can’t rely on there parents? Or is the only option some stranger?

God Exsists.
Beauty.
Freedom.

Things I wish I could tell you;
I don’t trust you enough to let you in anymore.
That is why I don’t tell you things.
Prove to me that you can be a gentleman again.
Prove to me that you understand.

Ok, I’m going to finally admit it. I’ve been sucked dry. So much that It feels like my heart is being ripped out every time I try and talk about how much I don’t feel like me anymore. It discusts me that I’ve let myself get like this. I’ve been fighting for myself for awhile now, I guess depression gets like that, you get so caught up in being down that it’s like a drug. It’s your safety net. But my life was going nowhere so I decided to fight for my freedom to be myself again. Along came the boyfriend who’s ignorance and short-sightedness sucked me of all that I thought was me. Now all I am is angry and hurt and hiding myself from him. He thinks he’s doing fine by me but all he’s doing is hurting me and it hurts him that he doesn’t know how not to hurt me. I don’t know If I should deserve better or not. I’m questioning this because after I was sexually abused when I was 15 I’ve had trouble thinking that I’m worth anything at all. He makes me thinks that I’m worth it, I think he means it too but there are so many times where he’s proved he just doesn’t get me, to the point where he offends so often that I can’t even think straight anymore. I want my freedom back. I’d like to share it with him but every time I try he does something thats insulting.