Monthly Archive

People in the Middle Ages thought that aquamarine could magically overcome the effects of poison.

Sometimes it looks like the sea, some times it looks like the sky. I like it because it reminds me of freedom.

I can’t even think how to start this blog. That is how much I don’t want to talk about anything God related right now. It’s in my head somewhere. Something about pushing you away so far that you must be uberly frustraited at me. I’ve seen that video on youtube… I wish I could remember what It’s called (Link). I get it. You want me. But at the moment I am so angry at you and I don’t know why. It’s probably because I am STILL sick. So when am I going to get my life back? Look, I know you brought James into my life and I an eternaly greatful for that. Makes me angry for wanting to question am I being selfish wanting my health back? Is it wrong for me to question whether or not I deserve that back? Why do you have to go on breaking my heart over and over again. Screw the devil. Why is he even still around? It would be alot easier if you made yourself a little clearer so I don’t get you two confused. Can you blame me for ignoring you? Seriously? After all of this hurt that I’ve been through. Trusting you might take a little bit of time.

I don’t think I appreciate you enough. Right now, I’m marveling at the extent of my selfishness. I’m blaming it on my instinct to hide when I’m hurt. I really wish I knew how to stop being so selfish. I’ve told myself that the only way I’m going to get better is to help myself, because I was telling myself that I wasn’t worth it. Being depressed at the same time as being sick is really confusing. I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel trying to be the best I can be. I’m lost, I really am and I don’t know how to help myself or let anyone else help me. It doesn’t make any sense… None of it. I’m trying, I really am. I just seem to be doing a bad job of it. In my head I want it to be all about you. It seems like it is but when I look harder I see my focus is really on me. I hate it.

I love you. I really hope you know that. Our lives together are only going to get better.
I hope.

I don’t think I want to accept that I need grace… Thinking about it makes me kringe. Why?

Here’s Where I Stand - Tiffany Taylor 

Here in the Dark
I stand before you
This is my chance to show you my heart
This is the start, this is the start.

I have so much to say and I’m hoping
That your Arms are open
Don’t turn away, don’t you need me?
But you have to hear me.

Here’s where I stand,
Here’s who I am
Love me, but don’t tell me who I have to be
Here’s who I am,
I’m what you see.

You said I had to change and I was trying
But my heart was lying
I’m not a child any longer
I am stronger

Here’s where I stand,
Here’s who I am
Help me, to move on but please don’t tell me how
I’m on my way, I’m moving out

In this life we’ve come so far
but we’re only who we are
Courage of love
will show us the way
Unlock the power
To stand up and say

Here’s where I stand
Here’s who I am
(Stand Up) I’ll be counting, counting on you
If you’re with me, we’ll make it through

Here’s where I stand,
Here’s who I am
Love me, Love me, Love me, and we’ll make it through

Here’s where I stand,
Baby, Baby, Baby, I’m counting on you

Here’s where I stand
Love me, Love me, Love me, and we’ll make it through

I’m counting, Oooh,
I’m counting,
I’m counting, I’m counting on….
You

Here’s where I stand,
Here’s who I am
I’m counting on you

Here’s where I stand,
Here’s who I am
We’ll make it through

Here’s where I stand,
Here’s who I am
I’m counting on you

Here’s where I stand,
Here’s who I am
We’ll make it through

My heart feels like it’s crying.
I feel so drained.
I havn’t felt like this in awhile.
I used to feel like this all the time.
But with you there my heart rejoyced.
I only feel like this now because I’m weak and scaired.
I want to make you happy.
I feel bad because I think I’m petty and your the one who has to put up with it.

It’s only human nature to want to fix something that you know you broke, right? But what if you knew you broke a person. I broke him because I ran. I ran into the wrong thing and I know he knows… which I assume by this time and to his own stubborness he denied that if effected him at all. Which makes me wonder if it’s a good thing that I ran, sure it drove him off the cliff into perpetual over manliness (aka homeboy) but I think I also might have saved myself from all the bad that I put up with, just because I loved him. Doesn’t make what I did right but the start of the running, not the running into, was right. Where is the limit of what love should blind us too? Is it even right that it blinds us at all. True that I’ll go back to him time and time again when his air drumming gets to me. But the bigger things like seeing someones mum beat up on her boyfriend. I think my ignorance and fear got the better of me, all you can do in those situations is hold on for dear life and hope that this brings you closer. But when your both drowning… there was no way either of us were prepared to save each other. I ran. I ran wrong but kept running trying desperatly to run in the right direction. Bad and good things have found me since but none of it has felt as right as befor the time I started running. The thing is I can’t stop until all of my problems are gone.

I still know you, you probably think I’m the devil. It’s easier to blame and ex rather than whats really bugging you. I miss the beautiful person that you are and I know from what I did that I killed a little bit of that. I know you always run and forget. I wish you could of seen that its ok to loose someone you love and to love again. I wish I could of helped you. Thank you though, for turning me to want to help people. It’s strange how when you love someone you get to know all of them inside and out, but once you leave you still can smell the essence of that person. All that fear and joy that you know still is inside them somewhere. I’m glad I know you, I say that because somewhere I know that bit of you that loves drawing, videogames and romance as much as I do isn’t something you choose to have. I guess in a way I kind of regret running. I guess this is just what lost love feels like and I must admit I’m on the easy end of the stick. A broken heart is something I never want to experience, I am so sorry that I did that to you. I hope something or someone finds you that will mend it all.

 Five Iron Frenzy - On Distant Shores.

I have been scarred so deep by life and cold despair,
and brittle bones were broken far beyond repair.
I have leveled lies so deep, the truth may never find.
And inside my faithless heart, I stole things never mine.

If mercy falls upon the broken and the poor,
Dear Father, I will see you, there on distant shores.

I have toiled for countless years and ever felt the cost,
and I’ve been burned by this world’s cold,
like leaves beneath the frost.
On my knees I’ve crawled to You, bleeding myself dry.
But the price of life is more, than I could ever buy.

And off of the blocks,
I was headstrong and proud,
at the front of the line for the card-carrying, highbrowed.
With both eyes fastened tight,
yet unscarred from the fight.
Running at full tilt, my sword pulled from its hilt.
It’s funny how these things can slip away,
our frail deeds, the last will wave good-bye.
It’s funny how the hope will bleed away,
the citadels we build and fortify. Good-Bye.

Night came and I broke my stride,
I swallowed hard, but never cried.
When grace was easy to forget,
I’d denounce the hypocrites,
casting first stones, killing my own.
You would unscale my blind eyes,
and I stood battered, but more wise,
fighting to accelerate,
shaking free from crippling weight.
With resilience unsurpassed,
I clawed my way to You at last.
And on my knees, I wept at Your feet,
I finally believed, that You still loved me.

Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again.
Jesus Christ, Light of the World,
burning bright within our hearts forever.
Freedom means love without condition,
without beginning or an end.
Here’s my heart, let it be forever Yours,
only You can make every new day seem so new.