You are currently browsing the monthly archive for December, 2007.
Things that are easy:
Falling in love
Lying about how I am
Pretending I’m interested in a conversation with someone I just met
Not paying attention to anything
Slipping in and out of relative conciousness
Pretending that being sick doesn’t bother me
Pretending that I’d rather stay at home
Knowing that fear is controlling me
Not doing anything about anything
Emotions such as jelousy, love, lust, safety, comfort and frustration
Things that are complicated/confusing:
Sex and all sex based things
Christianity
Knowladge and aquiring experience
Pain and emotional pain
Getting anything out of my system - emotional wise
Paying attention for long periods of time
Getting up in the morning
Doing anything that requires effort to look forward too
Time and waiting for things to happen
Taking steps towards any goal no matter how small it is
Thinking that I’m becoming social inept because I’ve stop trying to impress people/stopped caring if my actions are socially acceptable
Going to bed and waking up early
Stuborness against myself
Death
Freedom
I am so completally lost.
The things that I see that are going to happen are scairing me and I want to run and hide.
I’m afraid that they will cost me my dignity.
Please God, be by my side.
Let me know that your there…
Spartan - Five Iron Frenzy
Billie Holiday on the radio
My sluggish heart is beating seven beats too slow
Another sad song and another shot of blue
Cold and unconcerned are anything but new
He said love endures all things, and it hurts to think He’s right
If I mark the span of failure
Is his burden just as light?
I am, Spartan
Close my heart so tight
Jesus
Save me
From myself tonight
Limping through the world
There’s a knowing look or two
Is it just the cripples here
Who understand the truth?
Why is love so painful?
Why do we always lose?
Paving pathways for the lost
The bitter, and recluse?
He said love endures all things, and it hurts to think it’s true
Did it nail Him on a cross?
Did it crucify Him too?
I am, Spartan
Close my heart so tight
Jesus
Save me
From myself tonight
The angels are singing over oe’r the plains
The shepherds are quaking, echoing refrains
And all of our slogans, designed to take away the pain
Meant nothing to the Son of God that night in Bethlehem
I am, Spartan
Close my heart so tight
Jesus
Save me
From myself tonight
Juggernaut - Five Iron Frenzy
This seems too big for me
hulking monstrosity
too late to get out now
And like the speed of sound
this thing has brought me down
I dont remember how
I want to be free
but Juggernaut is killing me
Chorus:
Freedom like a song
The weak shall be made strong
I may sink before I swim
but Im not giving in to you
Juggernaut/ Juggernaut
Beneath machinery
specter of treachery
and Ive lost everything
And I am getting out
the shadow of my doubt
is suffocating
my own worst enemy
this Juggernaut is killing me
From machines that I have made
Ive become the slave
but Ive been carried along
freedom like a song
Freedom lifts me like a song
when the weak shall be made strong…
World Without An End - Five Iron Frenzy
For all the deepest thoughts compiled,
philosophy to laws of physics,
no one’s ever heard or seen,
a more beautiful thing,
than this love that saved us.
Chorus:
In the soundless awe and wonder,
words fall short to hope again.
How beautiful,
how vast your love is,
new forever,
world without an end.
The very spark that burns the stars,
drew near to me today,
the God of everything that is,
whispered in my ear that His love is boundless
——————————————-
Coolamatong is making it easier to find you again. Hope is hard when you can’t see people around you hopeing too.
Well, here I am. Trying not to go to bed for no reason at all, just like last night. I would really like to talk to you, not going to prayer night tonight was not only laziness but a combination of laziness, fear and excuses that were to easy not to ignore. Why is it that the last place that I knew what you were doing was in front of a whole bunch of people… I think I know what I’m meant to be doing but I’m not sure… I’m just not ready to admit to myself that’s what I have to do, again. I never thought my life would be a continuous struggle of cycles of pain, denial and release about pretty much the same things. It’s hard for me to accept that even though each time I try the core of my struggles never seem to change. I miss my friends wanting to talk to me about life, for some reason I feel like I’ve driven them away. I just wish I knew what it was. It’s like my life has officially been put on the “I don’t want to know about it list” just because I’m in a relationship… I don’t like bitching about people so I don’t see whats the big difference. I don’t know quite who I am just yet now that life has changed on me again. I was just getting used to it. The change has been really good for me I think but I’m scared because I don’t know what you have to do with it. I think your meant to have a big part in it all but I feel so guilty for going backwards, it feels right but underneath it the focus of everything seems a little off. I think I’m afraid for both of us that someone might freak out. I hope I’m doing the right thing. I really need and want him. I want to want you as much as I want him right now. I miss wanting my friends but right now it seems only a few of them really need me there. In every situation I keep asking myself what am I doing here? Cos without you I’m really sure of nothing… always questioning everything, never really certain. I just don’t know how you fit with church, so many peoples opinions get mixed in with what you really want to say. I want to question it all but part of me is saying everything happens for a reason. I really do understand what that means now and I’m glad that you gave me the experiences that made me realise that, I just wish I could articulate it all to other people… Why are people interested in things I don’t know how to explain? I wish you would explain it to them instead, they would understand it all better. Originally it was all you anyway. I miss you, but I’m lazy and scared. Sorry… I don’t know weather to try and find you or me first. I just hope no one gets trampled in the process all because of my confusion.
It’s time again to question my exsistance and remember who I really am.
Not what everyone thinks I am.
It’s so easy to forget when you get wrapped up in life…
