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Phantom of the opera - Point of no return
Phantom
Past the point of no return -
no backward glances:
our games of make belive
are at an end . . .Past all thought of “if” or “when” -
no use resisting:
abandon thought,
and let the dream descend . . .What raging fireshall flood the soul?
What rich desire unlocks its door?
What sweet seduction lies before us . . .?Past the point of no return,
the final threshold, what warm,
unspoken secrets will we learn?
Beyond the point
of no return . . .
Christine
You have brought me to that moment
where words run dry, to that moment
where speech disappears into silence,
silence . . .
I have come here, hardly knowing
the reason why . . .
In my mind, I’ve already
imagined our bodies entwining
defenceless and silent -
and now I am here with you:
no second thoughts, I’ve decided,
decided . . .
Past the point of no return
no going back now:
our passion-play has now, at last,
begun . . .
Past all thought of right or wrong -
one final question:
how long should we two wait, before
we’re one . . .?
When will the blood begin to race
the sleeping bud burst into bloom?
When will the flames, at last, consume
us . . .?
Both
Past the point of no return
the final threshold, the bridge
is crossed, so stand and watch it burn . . .We’ve passed the point of no return . . .
(By now the audience and the Police have realized that Signor Piangu is dead behind the curtain, and it is
the Phantom who sings in his place. Christine knows it too. As final confirmation, the Phantom sings):
Phantom
Say you’ll share with me one
love, one lifetime . . .
Lead me, save me from my solitude . . .Say you want me with you,
here beside you . . .
Anywhere you go let me go too,
Christine that’s all I ask of you. . .
What the hell am I thinking wanting to lead on coola. I seriously must be insane. I’m already freaking out and I can’t even remember how I managed to be a camper on coola last year let alone lead a bunch of kids. The leaders meeting is this sunday. Too soon… Fuck! How is this going to work? How the hell am I going to be able to anything I want to again… I hate being sick. Someone shoot me.
I really need someone to talk too…
I’m having withdrawal already. Blame it on being uberly tired… I don’t know. This new relationship, there are just so many things that are new to me, I’d had forgotten what it feels like to crave someone; crave there smell, the colour or their eyes, the way they talk, the shape of their mouth, how they speak to you alone and the subtle hints of things when your hanging out with other people, everything about them. It feels like it’s happened so fast but at the same time I have liked him for awhile… I feel like a twat saying that because I think he only noticed me, properly, two weeks ago… It’s a bit strange on that re-guard because I’m so afraid that it’s all just going to blow up in my face.
The sad fact is though even when I’m entranced I still get grumpy and tired and feel sick. I want everything to be perfect but I know it can’t be so, life just doesn’t work that way. I’m still going to annoy him or say something wrong or have things we dont get along on. You can’t escape those things. I just hope I’m strong enough too tell him how much I care. I hope I’m strong enough to open up and not shut down, run and hide when things start getting to hard. I’m scared but at the same time he’s just too good to ignore. And now I’m even doubting weather or not what I’m feeling is right or too much or what. Why do women always thing there going to be too much. I think I need to read John and Stasi Elderage’s book on women again.
God, help.
There is no fear in love
But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.
The one who fears is not made perfect in love.
1 John 4:18
I got abused, I got slutty, I got sick. I got trapped. The question is did I really get left behind?
-because of that or because I didn’t fight hard enough and gave up?
I’m waiting for things to happen but inbetween I feel like I’m just waisting time.
Update: I want to throw up my brains. That or just have the ability to turn off my feelings for awhile befor they vent the wrong way and I get even more frustraited and fed up with myself. Or just plain throw up. Too bad I havn’t done that in years.
Update update: When I talk to you, I want to say everything that I need too. I need you to understand and I don’t know why. I’m freaking out but at the same time I really want to know you. Why am I so afraid of being honest?… Maybe because it hurts? I’m probably just trying to stay in denial. I hate Ba Sing Se. It’s boring, grey and cold.
I hope he knows what he’s getting himself into. He seems pretty interested though, and I’m glad. I just don’t know how he will react when I tell him. I’ve had people who are indifferent, people who get awkward because they dont know how to react, some are compassionate, some take on “how I must feel” and feel it themselves to try and understand how I feel, some just accept it as it is and some are upset by it because they care about me. I’m sure there are other reactions that I’ve had, I have told alot of people. I’m just not sure which to expect from him and it makes me nervous. I’m usually good at reading people, being able to atleast try and guess how they will take it on. But him, he’s still a riddle to me. It will be our ’second date’ (I don’t know if it is or not offically, but who really cares? :p) Logically I feel like I hardly know him, and I should be doing all this more slowly cos I’m not completally sure of his intentions but he’s so sweet to me and as far as I can tell, quite genuine. It’s all so sudden though… I’m really not sure what to expect.
Confused! And I’ve only really hung out with him once. Blah!
Boys are confusing. It’s hard not to slip into old ways… I think I’ve already failed on that already. So now what?
No wonder I’ve been so numb and bitter this year. I have let none of what I’m going through get to me on an emotional level. I havn’t really delt with anything at all. It’s all great using your head and all but I’m never going to realise it’s me going through this and it’s not just some puzzle I have to figure out if I don’t actually let myself feel anything. I don’t care that I’m not getting over this as fast as other people would like me too. I don’t care that I have nothing more to say about the issue. No wonder they’re all confused. I’ve talked and talked my head off trying to fix all of this crap but I’ve dissacociatied myself from myself. No wonder I’m questioning who I am. I don’t even feel like I’m allowed to cry around my friends most of the time. I’d want to, but I physically couldn’t. Atleast now I know why. Stuff how everyone else is going to react. I need to get this right with God in my own way, where ever he happens to show himself I’ll be there ready and waiting to accept what ever he has to say. I pray that I still feel this way tomorrow. Empower me lord.
Love shines brightest in the dark.
It’s been so long that this has been going on. It’s dreadfully hard to stay on track. You three have been with me all of this year, encouraging me, helping me focus, trusting me. I’m sorry I didn’t do all the things I said I would do. I’m sorry I’ve gotten so lazy lately. I’m sorry I complain and talk about myself a lot more than I should. I wish I could still talk to you like I used to but you’ve moved on and now I need to move on too. I’ve finally realised I can’t be free if I don’t get help.
Kathryn, Mike, Sam, thanks for an awesome year. Talking and hanging with you guys has been the most important, inspiring and awakening thing that has happened to me since I left school. You helped me see how important God is, you helped me learn the value of prayer and you helped me learn a degree of humility. You three are invaluable, glorious and so incredibly graceful and accepting. There are so many more people who need you more than I could ever need you. I hope you don’t take that as a burden but as a way to spread your love and God’s love around the place, which is all I and everyone else has ever needed. More love.
So I love you in return. This is a tribute to my friends. Thank you for all the messages you have sent to save me from myself. I doubt you remember saying it but I love you all for it. I’m praying for you all that the joy you have given me will be returned to you a hundred fold.
Thank God that, well, God’s all we will ever need. You have all brought me a little peice of heaven in your own unique way.
I thought i’d had the last straw three bails ago. I don’t know anymore, I just don’t know. I certainly don’t know how to help myself or else I think I would of done it already. Every time I convince myself it’s time to give up someone else steps in. I wish they didn’t have too. I want to look after myself, so they don’t have to worry about me. This has been such a waist of a year and I think next year will be the same. I try, the doctors try but they seem to think there isn’t anything wrong with me. Is there any hope left?
Choices - Xavier Rudd
Lay me down to rest awhile
I’m feeling cold, cold to the bones
Lay me down so i can fly, fly, fly
Dragon fly buzzing by
These flowers and this sunshine
Warming me up to the bones
Lifting me up so i can fly
She say’s there’s nothing to be said
Nothing to be gained
From the winds that blow today
All you have is time
Walking down this line
All twisted from preservatives of life
But you have what you have
What you have is for you
And the future of your child
Look there’s a full moon
And I’m looking at you
Choices you’ve been warm
And you’ve been cold
And I’m not scared no, no
Well, maybe just a little scared to die
