Monthly Archive

Throughout the last few days I have been writing blog posts in my head, well more like stories in blog form. It would be nice if I could just process even one of these thoughts enough to permit it to be written down here, but it’s just not working. This week, no matter how much I try and disbelieve it, I have thoroughly convinced myself that I am alone. There isn’t anyone left to write to, scratch that, to write for. My incessant need to write blogs stems from my nature to do things for people. When I started this blog I intended it to be a record of my life as I saw it at the time, a diary really, but for my friends and everyone else to read. I hadn’t any need anymore to hide anything about myself, for it is keeping things from people is where you become misunderstood. I wanted this to be a record so that if someone needed answers for something I have already discovered about life, it was here. Hoping that someone might find my explanation and view of things something different to stuff they have already heard or maybe in the off chance they read something here that they haven’t heard before. Yes, I am quite presumptuous. Egotistical even.

As I come to this post with everything on my mind and nothing to post I see that the only real reason I write this is because of my friends and my fervent need to be understood. To understand someone, the reasons why they do the things they do is how I’ve learned to love the people I hate. The more I know people the easier it is to get over all there anoyingness, so naturally I want people to do the same for me. This puts me in an unfortunate situation. I don’t know if they do but I think they see my need to be understood as a somewhat flagrant grab for all of their attention. Even if it is or it isn’t the fact is that’s what I’m getting when I ask for them to understand me, and ask for them to try and help me understand myself, is there attention weather I need it or not. From my reasoning I should get pretty upset when people don’t try to understand me because alas, if they don’t understand me they can’t love the people they hate. So do I think everyone hates me? In that re-guard, I’ve learnt not to care about weather or not people like me or not. I really don’t care. But I hate the way I’m living my life right now and I can’t see anyway to change it. If I did, it would of changed along time ago. It’s been a year already and I can’t move on. I’m so totally over this. If only I could just disappear

Rent - I Should Tell You 

 

Roger
I Should Tell You I’m Disaster
I Forget How To Begin It
Mimi
Let’s Just Make This Part Go Faster
I Have Yet — To Be In It
I Should Tell You

Roger
I Should Tell You

Mimi
I Should Tell You

Roger
I Should Tell You

Mimi
I Should Tell I Blew The Candle Out
Just To Get Back In

Roger
I’d Forgotten How to Smile
Until Your Candle Burned My Skin

Mimi
I Should Tell You

Roger
I Should Tell You

Mimi
I Should Tell You

Both
I Should Tell

Well, Here We Go
Now We–

Mimi
Oh No

Roger
I Know–This Something Is
Here Goes–

Mimi
Here Goes

Roger
Guess So
It’s Starting To
-Who Knows-

Mimi
Who Knows

Both
Who Knows Where
Who Goes There
Who Knows
Here Goes

Trusting Desire - Starting To Learn
Walking Through Fire Without A Burn
Clinging - A Shoulder, A Leap Begins
Stinging And Older, Asleep On Pins

So Here We Go
Now We–

Roger
Oh No

Mimi
I Know

Roger
Oh No

Both
Who Knows Where - Who Goes There

Here Goes - Here Goes
Here Goes - Here Goes
Here Goes - Here Goes

I love you…
As a friend of cource, but you should know that right? Even if I havn’t told you outright to your face. I mean I would if I didn’t get the feeling that you have this 50 foot no girls allowed just in case rule. It’s eather that or you don’t think were that close. Hey it’s probably me just over reacting, being too self centered and all that. I know I don’t like feeling guilty for wanting to get to know you more and naturally I would think it’s all my fault. I just don’t know how you see me, If I’m allowed to act normally around you or if there’s boundaries. How do you know where the boundaries are if you have never tested them, right? Maybe I’m just so socially depraved that I come off too intence. I don’t think my affection comes off in a weird way, but maybe you see it as a differnt kind of affection… I poke people, thats just me, I do it to everyone, you should be grateful I hold off slapping your arse. God knows Fi gets a butt full of it. Ha, I don’t think I would do that to you anyway. So affection isn’t your thing, I guess your just cautious about that kinda stuff. I don’t mean anything by it, but I guess you don’t see it that way. Even writing all of this deems me self abosrbed, thinking that there’s somthing wrong with me instead of just allowing you to be sad. No wonder you don’t talk, you don’t get a chance too. I just wish I knew you knew I care, and I’m here, just like you were there for me when I needed you. Though I think you only ever ment it to be one-sided. I just don’t want to come off like I need to be needed. I’m fine now. But it looked like you wern’t… I just hope I’m not over reacting. I hope you will be ok…

This is God’s creation. It can create life. It will be left behind when it dies.
I am God’s creation. I can create life. This body will be left behind when I die.
This body is not ment for eternal life, it will still be here on earth, exsisting, when I am dead.
What image of myself will I have when there is no longer a physical body to look at? To see myself in a mirror and recognise my face and to be able to touch it. God is mysterious. Thats just the way he works. When I first started getting interested in the bible and what God had to say, I wanted to know the reason for every thing. I wanted to know everything. Over the years or looking for answers and searching for bible verses that can be twisted to tell my that there were dinosaurs mentioned in the bible or that pre-destination actually exsist. I began to accept that I didn’t need to know everything, some things needed questioning, and alot of things didn’t. I think I accepted that God just didn’t need me to know the answers to some questions I had. The fact that dinosaurs were or were not mentioned in the bible doesn’t really change what God wants me to be acheiving. Not that I know what that is either.

*Warning*
Don’t read on if you don’t want to hear me talk about sex/details about my sexlife

The thing is sex has been one of those ‘big’ issues. To do or not to do? I’m sure some christians struggle with this. Those who have had sex, know what it’s like, enjoy it and have pretty high confidence in themselves that they know what there doing and how to do it well. I don’t have alot of confidence in alot of things social like ’small talk’ or speaking in public or even calling the pizza place to order pizza. When it comes to guys, getting to know them, seducing them and sharing myself with them, I’m confident enough to allow myself to put it out there on a limb and just go for it. I only just realised I couple of months ago that I was in love with my last boyfriend. We broke up late last year because I got sick and I couln’t (and still can’t) handle people having to put up with me needing to pee all the time. I feel like a liabillity. I was really quite depressed too although I didnt realise this until after we broke up. I still love him I recon, but I can’t go after him because I’m christian now and I wasn’t when I was dating him. I loved sex with him. I’m only 19 but that was the first time that sex felt much more like making love. Obviously, I thought it was just great sex at the time. Looking back I do recon thats the most I’ve ever fallen for someone, so for now I’ll say that it was love. I think I got depressed because it was unfufilling.

Now I’m christian again, the prospect of dating other christians and having a limited physical relationship is daunting. My confidence in persuing someone is now the same as my confidence in small talk or public speaking. In the face on a hot guy, I sit and let others take the convasation. Knowing that sex isn’t an option, persuing somone just seems like the same thing as making a new friend. Somthing I’m not very good at, the people I’m friends with just seem to find me without me really thinking about it. But with hot guys? I can’t be that relaxed. I have to be on guard lest something happens and I fall into my ‘old confidences’ again. Socially inept thats what I am. And I need to work on it. Having to be guarded is somthing new for me. It also forces me to face up to things that I’ve been avoiding, like being confident enough to call the pizza guy.

I’m going to miss my sexuality. It’s kinda like being chirsitan stifles that part of a person until they get married. I want to be able to get to know the whole person befor I really commit to anything. Try befor you buy? Is this just western culture having it’s influence on me? Who knows. Blah. This new kind of living is mighty confusing.

How do you avoid disease? I must admit, I feel lucky to be able to have a lifestile that involves being able to be sick and not having to work aswell. Trying to manage this bladder streaching thing and trying to hide it proves to be a challange but all in all the people that know seem to be accomodating. Doesn’t stop me from feeling like I’m missing out on life from being to anxious to go anywhere without a toilet being avalible at all times, in other words I can’t handle having to be somewhere for a long period of time, for instance being in a musical or working. But gastro? Now that my sisters got it and dad’s having to clean the bathroom constantly, I don’t see how him or me can avoid getting it. I can’t handle vomit, I really can’t. Food poisoning on coola was bad enough. Diahreah I can handle, but not vomit. Strange really, but I feel alot worse after throwing up than I do when it’s just poop. Like at coola, throwing up so much that your stomach is completally empty - bile and all, and still throwing up nothing. Can’t sleep, can’t eat, and your completally lucid. Atleast bad diareha leaves you delerious. I think if I get better i’ll take this healthy thing alot more seriously, and value the peeing alot more :p I felt for those with permanent conditions, like people with permanent stomas. I know there are more serious things that people are dealing with but every on in there own way is fighting to keep themselves healthy and weather or not they enjoy it, it takes effort. I guess this is gods way of showing us our morailty. I think a life without sickness would be taken for granted. Even though I complain, feel embarrased or isolated in the end it will be just another thing i’ve had to fight for the right to live a relativley normal life. *Sigh* So I’m just gonna hope and pray that no one else in this household gets gastro.

 On another note, I just got a whole lot of books from ebay (I love the smell of new books ) So I’ll be reading myself silly for the next week or so. No more playing the sims for entertainment (yay!) Sitting in the sun reading and drinking my water will be a pleasant change from pulling my hair out from thinking that I’m just sitting around getting fatter. I love mental distractions. Maybe, if I don’t get sick, I’ll have somthing interesting to talk to other people about on wednesday and sunday. Hope, just hope.