I’ve been thinking about it.
                                               I have been thinking about it.
                                                                                                   I’m trying not to, really trying.
But the thing is, I know I’ll give in.
There will be a time where I will give in.
Then it happens all over again. And again. And again.

I don’t really have any other way to releive my stress. If I’m going to distract myself from cutting, it’s really all up to my own will power. When your in that headspace, destracting yourself is the last thing on your mind. I’m glad I’m afraid I’ll do it again and the regret I feel afterwards, because that fear is the only thing thats stopping me at the moment from giving in so easily. The thing is if I don’t find a way to vent, the need to cut is only going to get stronger until I can’t handle it anymore. Then the cycle goes on.

I guess you could say it’s like trying not to have sex but be in a relationship. You say you don’t want to, but then again you don’t really try not to eather. Over time it gets more and more intence and then one day you realise that your about to cross that line all over again and you can’t stop yourself from doing it. Or you don’t really try too. Giving in seems so easy, I struggle not to persuade myself that it is a good idea.

I have a feeling that the only reason I didn’t start cutting until this year is because I had people to have sex with and that was a strong enough distraction for me. I guess thats also why those relationships didn’t last. I guess this explains the reason why I don’t want to go out with anyone, and the reason why I keep choosing to cut eventhough I hate myself for it afterwards. Gosh, I’m screwed in the head. I don’t know why I’m not getting help. I should, but… I want my prince charming more and that’s distracting enough.

I think I’m reluctant of getting those thoughts ‘fixed’ because every time I’ve tried I’ve been let down. I’m tired of trying, I just want my quick fix, my intant microwavable baked beans. And I want it now!
I hate society. I hate when I act like I’ve been trained to act. It seems like such a struggle to act differently. I’ll try and fail and try again. And then when I’m tired, I get depressed, I get sick and I get cutting. What does it take to want to try again? Anti-depressants? Councelling? Prayer?… All I feel like doing is sleeping. The only reason to get out of bed is my friends. I can’t tell them, but they are the thing thats keeping me from giving in. As they say at church “He is the air I breathe”. Yes, God is, but they are also. It’s only when I forget about them that I give in. At the moment, when I’m so alone all week, it is a very easy thing to do. It doesn’t mean when I forget, I don’t stop loving them. I just wonder how long it will be and if it will be the last time, If thats even possible.