Monthly Archive

 
I would walk 1000 miles,
I would go out and get drunk,
I would go to gallaries,
I would go to the vintage car show,
I would get a job,
I would go to uni,
I would walk through parks,
I would go camping,
I would lead at coola,
I would lead at a youth group,
I would voulanteer at the rspca,
I would sit anywhere at church,
I would drink more water,
I wouldn’t be reluctant to meet people,
I wouldn’t be anxious anymore,
if my bladder wasn’t fucked.

You know what. God is good. Really, I mean it.
When meeting people I find that one of the questions that people ask the most is, what do you do with yourself? It’s only awquard for me because I have to answer “Absolutally nothing at all” Which brings on more questions. In a way I’m glad I get to answer that simple question in the way that I do because I think the hardest part about meeting someone is being honest about what life is really like for you. Having that unexpected answer opens all doorways to more indepth things. Which is a releif for me seeing as I spend most of my days sitting at home. Blogging isn’t the same as spending real time with people. I would love to share my home with people, but it isn’t really my home. I would love to spend more time with youth and other people I can reach out too, but being expected to be in a place for a specific amount of time isn’t really possible. Having to pee all the time, well you don’t really get much done if your excusing yourself every hour. I’m really trying to recover from the operation, but streaching your bladder is soooooo painful it makes me want to bash my head against a wall or somthing… Argh!

I really just plain like getting to know people. It’s hard to know what to say and not what to say, but If someone asks you a question it’s best to just be honest. You could call it not caring what other people think of you, but I think it’s more on the lines of giving the person the oppertunity to really see who you are. With everything though, there is boundaries but I think it’s also our place as christians not to judge those who do tell you there life story in one sitting. Most of the time people just need someone to talk to.

It’s weird sitting at home all by yourself for days on end and then getting thrown into the midst of a social event. Having spent so much time in ones on head, well, you get used to thinking and not talking rather than not thinking and talking. Some people take this as listening when you think and not talk, but most of the time I think too much that I get distracted. I guess the balance is that when you spend so much time by yourself that when your with people your brain goes “omg omg omg people!” and you get way over intereseted in what they have to say, and after they’ve stopped you can’t help but analyse everything they’ve said. So any social event brings on a high for me, alot more than it used to, the bad part about it is that you always have the downs after. I feel like I’m getting hooked on drugs. But tomorrow I can guarentee that I will be back to my normal bitter rantings about how much my life sucks. Who can blame me though. I’m just plain old lonely.

This is a blog about danish. I like danish. Danish Danish Danish Danish… Yeah! All kinds. Tasty tasty moo biscuts. (Not the human kind)

Ogle the wallpaper. Upsidedown Upsidedown!

I know too many people who have been sexually abused. It would be nice to know more, there is safty in numbers. There is a line though. If you plan on telling someone, how do you know who to tell and who not to? I know alot of people don’t feel that way, that they would rather keep these things to themselves, it is easier to pretend that everything is ok and just get on with life. But what if you meet someone who is struggeling with the same issue? What is the good christian thing to do? I think a part of being christian is being honest with the people you meet. Honest in the right context though, there is such a thing as too much information. I have told people about what happened and it was a weight off my mind. Just talking about it doesn’t fix it though. So now what do I do?

Prayer counselling, chrisitian counselling, normal people counselling or see my G.P? I really don’t want my dad to find out, but I can’t get a job and pay for it myself. I could just ask for money for dinner, not spend it and save up over time. There is the free option, prayer counselling, but I’m not going to do it just on the basis that it’s free. Though the prayer part seems like a great idea. I don’t know if I’m comfortable talking to someone I’ve just met. So that really eliminates all the options. But I can’t not go… I don’t think I can move on without talking to someone… I still don’t know if I’m looking for my quick fix or somthing that I’m willing to fight for. I can’t just sit around the house for much longer when life goes on around me, like I don’t exsist anymore, like I’m not important. I don’t know if I can fight for me if I don’t think I’m valuable enough for people to actually want me there. So sitting at home writing blogs is what I’ll do instead, for the time being this is my place. Or it will be until I change my mind.

I’ve been thinking about it.
                                               I have been thinking about it.
                                                                                                   I’m trying not to, really trying.
But the thing is, I know I’ll give in.
There will be a time where I will give in.
Then it happens all over again. And again. And again.

I don’t really have any other way to releive my stress. If I’m going to distract myself from cutting, it’s really all up to my own will power. When your in that headspace, destracting yourself is the last thing on your mind. I’m glad I’m afraid I’ll do it again and the regret I feel afterwards, because that fear is the only thing thats stopping me at the moment from giving in so easily. The thing is if I don’t find a way to vent, the need to cut is only going to get stronger until I can’t handle it anymore. Then the cycle goes on.

I guess you could say it’s like trying not to have sex but be in a relationship. You say you don’t want to, but then again you don’t really try not to eather. Over time it gets more and more intence and then one day you realise that your about to cross that line all over again and you can’t stop yourself from doing it. Or you don’t really try too. Giving in seems so easy, I struggle not to persuade myself that it is a good idea.

I have a feeling that the only reason I didn’t start cutting until this year is because I had people to have sex with and that was a strong enough distraction for me. I guess thats also why those relationships didn’t last. I guess this explains the reason why I don’t want to go out with anyone, and the reason why I keep choosing to cut eventhough I hate myself for it afterwards. Gosh, I’m screwed in the head. I don’t know why I’m not getting help. I should, but… I want my prince charming more and that’s distracting enough.

I think I’m reluctant of getting those thoughts ‘fixed’ because every time I’ve tried I’ve been let down. I’m tired of trying, I just want my quick fix, my intant microwavable baked beans. And I want it now!
I hate society. I hate when I act like I’ve been trained to act. It seems like such a struggle to act differently. I’ll try and fail and try again. And then when I’m tired, I get depressed, I get sick and I get cutting. What does it take to want to try again? Anti-depressants? Councelling? Prayer?… All I feel like doing is sleeping. The only reason to get out of bed is my friends. I can’t tell them, but they are the thing thats keeping me from giving in. As they say at church “He is the air I breathe”. Yes, God is, but they are also. It’s only when I forget about them that I give in. At the moment, when I’m so alone all week, it is a very easy thing to do. It doesn’t mean when I forget, I don’t stop loving them. I just wonder how long it will be and if it will be the last time, If thats even possible.

Watch This First 

This is what I miss the most about life. Where one thing ends and another part of your life starts, where it’s all about doing what you feel like at the time, not having to worry about the consequences. I must admit, even though being in the moment is great whilst it’s happening, it’s also where you take the biggest risks. I have made alot of mistakes, but also alot of right choices. These moments are where you grow. I have fallen in love, but I have also screwed it up. This is why I don’t think I’ll be trying to do anything too rash anytime soon. I only really realised how much I had after I had destroyed it. I now know the things I have to work on to make the next time I try work better than last time. Theres one thing thats stopping me, I picked it up when I got sick and that was last year, last august. Which was also the time when I fell in love. Anxiety. My body had betrayed me, and I felt like I had betrayed my body. I was the one who was ment to be in control, and then all of a sudden I wasn’t. This was also the year where I decided that my social life was better off if I wasn’t christian. You would of thought I would of learnt my lesson after these events. But I still want it, I still want to fall in love and be able to let go. One problem, this only works if your happy not being in control. I am not in control of my life and I hate it. I wish I didn’t hate it but I don’t know how not too. Maybe one day I might figure it all out. Maybe one day I might be able to have a propper social life, without fear, without anxiety but with love.

I wonder if it would change if I took the test again? :p

INFP - The “Dreamer”

INFPs are introspective, private, creative and highly idealistic individuals that have a constant desire to be on a meaningful path. They are driven by their values and seek peace. Empathetic and compassionate, they want to help others and humanity as a whole. INFPs are imaginitive, artistic and often have a talent for language and writing. They can also be described as easygoing, selfless, guarded, adaptable, patient and loyal.

Sacrifice

Or beauty?

 When your not there and I need you,
It’s not your fault.
It’s mine,
I never said I wanted you.

All I do is complain
How the world has burned me,
How alone I am today
But somthing tells me I’m just afriad
Scaired of being different
Too different for you.

To tell me that I’m normal
That every one else feels the same sometimes
Just shows me really how secret our lives are
Stuck behind the walls of our own mediocrity

We are all the same, are we not?
In our little class castles
Holding that little grey box
In which God has been crammed

I want to be beautiful
I need to be free
I don’t do mediocre
I just want to be me

Am I the the one in that box?
I don’t remember who put me there.
Society?
Friends?
Family?
Myself?

I will make that grey box glass
And hold it to the light
Burn out my eyes,
So the last thing I see is you

I wish I felt another way

Are you my rock?
Then send me stones,
I will break my little glass box
And my little grey box collection
Then maybe one of us will see

There was no little glass box,
It was just you and me.

Your not there and I need you,
It’s not your fault.
It’s mine,
I never said I wanted you,
I love you, I need you
I never said I trust you,
All because I’m shy.

Would it change anything?
Or are we trapped behind those secrets
Holding up those glass walls?
Every one is different
Are we similar at all?

Sakura
In China, the cherry blossom is a symbol of feminine beauty and sexuality. It has also come to represent the feminine principle and love in the language of herbs. On the other hand, in Japan, cherry blossoms symbolize the transience of life because of their short blooming times.

Ume
The Chinese see the blossoms as more of a symbol for winter rather than a harbinger of spring. It is precisely for this reason that the blossoms are so beloved, because they bloom most vibrantly amidst the winter snow while all other flowers have long since succumbed to the cold and died. Thus, they are seen as an example of resilience and perseverance in the face of adversity, and thus has also been used as a metaphor to symbolize revolutionary struggle.

Beautiful-Soulframe

You feel like your hands are tied
With the binds of the marketing machine
You feel so immature and naive everyday
And everybody’s saying it’s just the way
Things are done around here
And if you don’t like it
You’ll just have to change

But you feel like you still need ‘time to play’
To forget the adult world
But they won’t say be yourself
Be beautiful

I wanna go with the soul
With the colour of innocence
Just to be beautiful

You wanted to find your heart in this
To be yourself and express
To say what you wanna say
And dress how you wanna dress

But everybody’s saying that you gotta show
Just a little more skin
If you wanna catch their eye
And be feminine

But you feel like you want room to breathe
To forget the exploitation
Where they can’t see to be yourself
Is beautiful

I wanna go with the soul
With the colour of innocence
Just to be beautiful

For the sake of being beautiful

Not to sell or gain
Not to manipulate
Just to be
Beautiful

You wanted to show your heart in this
And it’s beautiful

12 Things I don’t want people to know
(But I can’t hide)

1. I’m afriad to leave the house. (or be more than 100m away from a toilet)

2. I try not to make friends because I don’t want them to have to put up with me being sick like I have too.

3. I write blogs because I’m afraid that when I die no one will know who I really was.

4. Happiness and Depression are differnt sides of the same coin for me.

5. The only reason I’m so wrapped up in my past is because it has a habit of being my present when I least expect it.

6. The think I wish the most is that I could help people more. The thing that’s stopping me is the fear that I need more help than they do. And they will see that. The other thing I wish the most, is that I want to be selfless. I don’t know how to need help and be selfless at the same time.

7. I don’t get help because I don’t want my Dad to know who I really am.

8. Music inspires me, Art expresses me. If I do too much of eather, I hate them. Just like If I’m with me too much, I hate myself.

9. I beleive that my freedom will bring me the most happiness. Freedom for me is not being sick. Freedom is being with my friends and not feeling out of place. Nothing else seems more important.

10. I want to run away from all that society asks of us. Just so I can find out who I really am. From Scratch.

11. I despratly want to feel loved.

12. I want to tell people how much they meen to me, so I can get on with life and enjoy it for what it is. So I can meet more people and enjoy their uniqueness. I want to share life.

Relationships in Discipleship
*Matthew 28:19
Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.

Being a disciple of Jesus and bringing his message to the community around us is something every Christian faces. The relationships we form with people are an important part of communicating what Jesus has taught us. I think it is through the way we relate to people in every day life that shows the grace, acceptance and love that Jesus has for is people, but more important, the love that he has for his lost sheep. (See Matthew 18:10-14 for the parable of the lost sheep if you don’t know what I’m talking about)

*Romans 7:21-25
21So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. 24What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? 25Thanks be to God-through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

Q’s - What does it mean to be a slave of God’s law? What does it mean to be a slave of sin?
How much of a difference does faith in Christ impact the way we deal with hardships?
What challenges do you think Christians face, when you read verse 21?
How does this impact other people when we are called to be ‘disciples of all nations’?

*2 Corinthians 12:7-10
7To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

(The Message Version)
7-10 Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,
My grace is enough; it’s all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size-abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.

Q’s - What part does ego and pride play in our rolls to be disciples of Jesus?
How does ego and pride effect the people we are sharing Jesus with?
Does pride and ego effect the way you talk to other people?
Do you avoid saying certain things because of ego or pride?

*Hebrews 10:15-18
15The Holy Spirit also testifies to us about this. First he says:
16″This is the covenant I will make with them
after that time, says the Lord.
I will put my laws in their hearts,
and I will write them on their minds.”17Then he adds:
“Their sins and lawless acts
I will remember no more.”18And where these have been forgiven, there is no longer any sacrifice for sin.

Q’s - What does verse 17 mean to you? What difference does it make that God forgives and forgets rather than just forgiving?
Do you forgive and forget, or just forgive? Is this important?

*Psalm 51:8-13
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.
10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.
13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.

Q’s - What do you think these passage calls us to do?
Do you think guilt/fear plays a part in this passage? Is it a good or a bad thing?
Why do you think experience is important when teaching people about god?

*1 Peter 4:7-10
7The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can pray. 8Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. 9Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. 10Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms.

Q’s - What do you think being clear minded and self-controlled involves?
What gifts/experiences do you think god has given you to help others?
What are some practical ways that you can use your gifts/experiences to help other people?

Thesaurus.Com
Main Entry:
discipline
Definition:
training
Synonyms:
conduct, control, cultivation, curb, development, domestication, drill, drilling, education, exercise, inculcation, indoctrination, limitation, method, orderliness, practice, preparation, regimen, regulation, restraint, self-command, self-control, self-government, self-mastery, self-restraint, strictness, subordination, will, willpower
Antonyms:
chaos, confusion, disorganization, laziness, permissiveness
————————————————
Chaos, Confusion, Unorganised, Lazy, Permissive am I, the one who is undisciplined. Who is not in trainging in society to earn money. Bad Girl!
Master myself? It sounds like too much hard work.
I just want to feel free.
I can’t do life in anyway other than out of love.
But those words don’t seem to contain anything but selfish fufillment.
What is Gods idea of discipline? Does it have anything to do with these words?
Where is the love?

Do not be ashamed to be human.
There is no right or wrong.
Just new beginings.