My words feel so ugly right now. It probably because of posts like this, this and this and a few other poems I’ve receved from friends. There all so good and some of them are things I wish i could of said (and this and this too) I think I’m jelous of other peoples ability to express things eloquently. Even my Photo Journal I just started up, seems ridged. I just want to feel free in my writing, to be satisfied with what I’ve said. I decided to do a photo journal of some of my art I’ve done this year and also some other images and things that relate to me, it’s just another blog pretty much.

I get so anoyed with my writing because of all the terms like “I guess” “I think” “I feel” and “In other words” that I use all the time. So the way I write is pretty much systematic and stylised. In other words BORING! I hate it.

And I love every one else.

Like the dandelion song that I posted previously. I am in love with the lyrics in that song.

I took a picture of the sky today:
I hate it and I love it. I hate it because I was standing in my backyard at the time and when I’m at home I feel trapped. Really really trapped, but also to scaired to want to leave because of being sick (and being more sick recently). And I really really want to go out all the time, but also feel safe enough and comfortable enough not to freak out (because I need to pee so much). The only problem is that Tafe, the place I’m ment to be going to at the moment stresses me out so much that I hate it. So I don’t go as often as I should and as a result, I’m trapped at home.

I love the sky. Not so sound cheesy or anything, but I really do. I like it because It changes everyday and it looks so different compared to the ground below it. The ground is so full of detail and hard solid colour, the sky is so free and so far away, it’s almost like it doesnt really belong there. Most of all I love the way it changes colour. Also because I live in the suburbs surrounded by man made things, nature seems so enclosed, the sky is the only part that still seems completally free no matter where you go. (I hate powerlines, they get in the way)

All this rambeling seems like a pointless and frustration filled post about nothing much at all, which anoys me even more. Which leads me to the ways I distract myself when I’m anoyed (and hate myself) Juice, Talking to people, Food, Tv, Art (not so much anymore because of doing it all day at tafe) Msn, Showers, Crying, Cutting, Cleaning, Self maintanance like shaving and plucking eyebrows, Cooking baked goods (the only cooking I’m good at), Drinking Tea, Drinking lemon and honey tea (which i’m craving so badly right now cos my lemon tree has no lemons atm) Thinking about talking to people, Reading.

I have no idea why that needed to be listed. Maybe the Photo Journal and this blog is a way of documenting my life.

“How do you document real life

When real life is getting more

Like fiction each day?”

Mark from Rent (The Musical)

Maybe this blog and photo journal is my song;

(I think I might have posted this song befor…)

One Song, Glory - Rent
One song
Glory
One song
Before I go
Glory
One song to leave behind
Find one song
One last refrain
Glory
From the pretty boy from Maine
Who wasted opportunities
One song
He had the world at his feet
Glory
In the eyes of a young girl
A young girl
Find glory
Beyond the cheap colored lights
One song
Before the sun sets
Glory — on another empty life
Time flies — time dies
Glory — One blaze of glory
One blaze of glory — glory
Find
Glory
In a song that rings true
Truth like a blazing fire
An eternal flame
Find
One song
A song about love
Glory
From the soul of a young man
A young man
Find
The one song
Before the virus takes hold
Glory
Like a sunset
One song
To redeem this empty life
Time flies
And then - no need to endure anymore
Time dies

Maybe… I’ve given up. Maybe I havn’t. I’m not so sure anymore. I’m just sick of being selfish, sick of being sick and sick of having to deal with everything all the time.

I just want to get away. Far far far away. I need a distraction, or a new life, or a surprise. Somthing, just somthing to look forward to.

I’m just so fed up. Trying is just so tiring. Sleep is unfulfilling. And most of the time so is my life.