Dear God.
Look, I know I don’t like myself much right now and I don’t like thinking about how much that hurts you. So I’ve been distant… really distant, It must hurt you even more to think that I hardly even acknowladge that you exsist. I don’t know if it’s partially that I’m angry at you for not making this all go away, but at least I’m smart enough to know It wasn’t your fault. I feel like I have sinned and that has produced my suffering, and that all this pain and confusion is a result of me not being able to make the right decitions… but why? I just wish I knew why you want me to grow in the dicrection I’m heading and not someone elses. Why do I have to be me?

The thing is, I don’t understand how you could forgive me for everything thats happened and still love me at the same time. I can understand you not caring and loving me, but still loving me because I have, what seems to me, destroyed my own body, it just doesn’t fit. You gave me this life and I feel like I’m doing such a crap job of keeping… keeping my body whole, and in a way sacred. It’s like I’ve come into your house and smashed up your 20″plasma screen, murdered your dog and vomited all over your shag carpet. Or like I’ve thrown the gift you’ve given me back in your face. I try so hard to please you, but every choice you’ve given me seems so challanging that living up to your expectations isn’t inviting, but really really scary and weird. I don’t like feeling alienated from you because of that.

I’m finding it hard to talk to you right now because I can’t admit so much of whats actually happening to myself, let alone you. I can say it here, but in real life, when those words like rape actually form real sound, it quite frankly, just pain shocking. It just makes it seem that much more real, I know you’ve always seen it like that and for once I just wish I could see me from your eyes. Reminds me of that rent song. (I’m gonna have to paste the whole thing, cos its just a nice song)

Your Eyes
As We Said Our Goodbyes
Can’t Get Them Out Of My Mind
And I Find I Can’t Hide (From)
Your Eyes
The Ones That Took Me By Surprise
The Night You Came Into My Life
Where There’s Moonlight
I See Your Eyes

How’d I Let You Slip Away
When I’m Longing So To Hold You
Now I’d Die For One More Day
‘Cause There’s Something I Should Have Told You
Yes There’s Something I Should Have Told You

When I Looked Into Your Eyes
Why Does Distance Make Us Wise?
You Were The Song All Along
And Before The Song Dies

I Should Tell You, I Should Tell You
I Have Always Loved You
You Can See It In My Eyes

Loving you is a secret to me at the moment. As they say, the eyes are the window to the soul. I know that you can see that I still want you desperatly, even if somtimes I convince myself that you are too scary to face up too. I’m so grateful that theres people around me that make me feel that little bit more human, that remind me that my exsistance isn’t pointless. Even if that is only for awhile, even if I eventually convince myself otherwise, I’m still gratefull that I know I can rely on them to remind me that being me isn’t as bad as I think it is. I just hope, I really hope I don’t forget that. I know that stress from Tafe is going to overwhelm me soon enough. God, I’m just really scaired of everything at the moment and I don’t want to ask you for anything because I am scaired that if I ask, you might not do anything to help because it’s not the right timing. I’m just not sure how much I can trust you. I’m trusting the people you surround me with, but you… you just seem so far away.