You are currently browsing the monthly archive for April, 2007.
I’m sick, I’m tired and I want to feel safe in someones arms. I can’t have any of those, because I’m too scaried of how much getting them will hurt me. If I try and get better, then I have to convince certain people that I actually am sick, and that requires energy and stamina which I don’t have because I’m emotionaly exsausted. The way to get my emotions back on track requires me to deal with my problems, and the majority involves the fact that I’m sick, the rest, well, the rest is my fault.
Somtimes I wont let you help me.
It might be because I don’t like you.
It might be because I think you can’t help me.
It might be because I like you too much to let you get close.
I don’t know how to change, though I’m not sure how much I want to change if it involves compromising my pride…
Ever feel like your not enough?
I may not always love you
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
Ill make you so sure about it
But long as there are stars above you
You never need to doubt it
Ill make you so sure about it
God only knows what I’d be without you
If you should ever leave me
Though life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
If you should ever leave me
Well life would still go on believe me
The world could show nothing to me
So what good would living do me
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows what I’d be without you
God only knows
God only knows what I’d be without you
The Beach Boys
How do I know that I’ll like who I am next year?
How do I know that I will like where I am next year?
Will I be passionate again?
Will I understand grace?
Where will god be placed if things change?
Will I have changed at all?
Will I let things change?
Ever felt like your mind and your body are being ripped in two? I can’t sleep because the only person I can talk to is out at somthing I was invited to, but to anxious to go.
It’s because I’m afriad of the docters, I’m afriad when i’ll get there they wont understand what I have to say, because it seems to happen every time I go, they try, but never quite undertstand because I can’t find the right words to explain how I’m really feeling. I know I need help, hell, I’m ment to be able to function in normal society arn’t I? To bad my body doesn’t agree with every one elses timetable, to bad I worry and get so anxious that things like going to tafe every day seems like mount everest because of the way people treat me when I’m excusing myself from a 2 hour class with NO breaks. I went to tafe because it was easier, and because there wasn’t lectures I thought I wouldn’t feel as bad when I had to go and pee, I was obviously wrong. I didn’t realise that my whole life has been coralled because of this one thing. I get told it’s there problem, it’s not such a big deal, you would be fine if you jsut had the confidence. I’d like to see you try and live every day needing to pee, and the breaking point being almost every hour. It’s too much. I can’t cope anymore. I’m tired, scratch that, exsausted, having to put so much effort into not loosing my cool. Holding the happy mask up every day when your this unhappy really takes it out of you. I just want to evaporate.
I wish dad would notice what’s going on. I wish he would want to know what happening. I wish he would want to help me.
I’m not writing this in the mood that I actually feel it because it’s easier to write if I disconnect myself from those feelings just so I can vent. I do that with every one I talk to it seems, everyone exept the befor mentioned person. I’m glad that were friends because he keeps me going.
I can just tell that this year is going to be hard. Testing even. And at the rate I’m going, I doubt I’ll ever face up to the rest of my life. At the moment I’m stuck, I can’t move forwards or backwards. So all I have thats constructive is to dig a hole into my body. I all I really know is that I’m not going to last like this for much longer.
I don’t know how to love him
What to do, how to move him
I’ve been changed, yes really changed
In these past few days
When I’ve seen myself
I seem like someone else
What to do, how to move him
I’ve been changed, yes really changed
In these past few days
When I’ve seen myself
I seem like someone else
I don’t know how to take this
I don’t see why he moves me
He’s a man
He’s just a man
And I’ve had so many
Men before
In very many ways
He’s just one more
Should I bring him down
Should I scream and shout
Should I speak of love
Let my feelings out?
I never thought I’d come to this
What’s it all about?
Don’t you think it’s rather funny
I should be in this position?
I’m the one
Who’s always been
So calm so cool
No lover’s fool
Running every show
He scares me so
I never thought I’d come to this
What’s it all about?
Yet
If he said he loved me
I’d be lost
I’d be frightened
I couldn’t cope
Just couldn’t cope
I’d turn my head
I’d back away
I wouldn’t want to know
He scares me so
I want him so
I love him so
‘I Don’t Know How To Love Him - Jesus Christ Superstar’
Then I was inspired
Now I’m sad and tired
After all I’ve tried for three years
Seems like ninety
Why then am I scared
To finish what I started
What you started
I didn’t start it
God thy will is hard
But you hold every card
‘I Only Want To Say (Gethsemane) - Jesus Christ Superstar’
I am a gas
Pull me out from the satisfactory
Into another reality
I am that what has been
An enigma of reality
Nothing more than tragedy
Cost me more than I could anticipate
At what cost will I break
The road is getting longer
The patterns are getting stronger
The vine can’t hold me to the tree
Secure and congregate
So the world cannot eliminate
But it’s getting old,
The vine cannot hold
The vine cannot hold
My heart is cold.
This is the I want post. It’s like the I love you because… post, but with a little more self direction in it. It seems selfish, but somtimes a list of things helps me remember my goals and dreams.
I Want to be focused
I Want to learn how to love better
I Want to stop thinking about you after every time we speak
I Want to do whats best for you
I Want to be able to talk about what happened
I Want to forgive
I Want to feel safe
I Want to feel rested
I Want to stop having bordom headaches
I Want to love god first
I Want to learn about somthing other than love thats god related
I Want to get off the sugar
I Want to like one person at a time
I Want to be able to recall the right word
I Want to impress the people I care about
I Want to not have to worry anymore
I Want to speak and have somthing important to say
I Want to feel comfortable enough to fall in love
I Want to be healthy again
I Want the taste of loogie to go away
I Want to be strong in my convictions
I Want to grow
I Want to not be satisfied with being comfortable
I Want to know that I can live without worrying about superficial things
I Want my old friends to understand me
I Want my new friends to enjoy my presence
I Want my friends to know that there special to me
I Want to not be critisised for being so open all the time
I Want to be there for her as much as she is for me
I Want to not have to pretend to care
I Want to pretend that i’m fine just for someone elses peice of mind
I Want to not ruin friendships by liking them instead
I Want my brain back
I Want really pulpy orange juice
I Want a car
I Want to stop hiding
I Want to be able to be honest
I Want to add more to the list, but my brain is filled with to many walls.
