I am numb to the point of indifference. I’m not even sure why I’ve decided to write a blog about this seeing as being indifferent means that I don’t actually have an opinion on anything at the moment. I don’t care that the things in my past have effected my present so deeply, I don’t care that I’m sick to the point where I can’t do the normal things people do, I don’t care that I have abandoned friends because of my insecurities and I don’t care that the relationships I have discovered could be gone because theres no foundation of mutual need for each other. All I can feel is fear. I fear myself, and I fear other people. I fear other people not caring or caring too much. I fear that they don’t need me as much as I need them. I fear that certain things wont change. Like me never being at max health again, and then not being able to do all the things I want to. Or that I will always continue to stuggle with being numb.

Theres two types of numb,

1. Incapable of action or of feeling emotion; enervated; prostrate: numb with grief.
2. Lacking or deficient in emotion or feeling; indifferent: She was numb to their pleas for mercy.

I think the second is worse than the first. Not caring is your own choice but being numb with emotion, well, it will pass. Not caring shows that you know it’s too hard to deal with, so you give up because your tired of fighting. It a defeat. Getting out of that hole is a fight back for sanity, allowing yourself to deal with emotion again even though it hurts. If your tired, getting the motivation to fight again is difficult to say the least. Esspecially when your support only provides advice and not comfort. Just one hug, just a few words to know that its alright to feel again because they are there to protect you. Jesus isn’t physicall but the words of comfort are there.

Just once I would like to feel welcome in someone elses life instead of having to weasle myself in. People keep telling me, it’s alright, you should see them, they like having you there, they don’t mind that you call them all the time… blah blah blah. Once, just once, I would like to see someone offer me somthing instead of me having to do a sing and dance about wanting to see them. Ok, so I’m numb and angry. I guess thats better than just being numb.

I had an epiphany in small group tonight, that society tells you that to get what you need as a human (emotionally and physically) you need to work to supply it for yourself, in other words, to fufill yourself you need to be self serving. Jesus taught that to fufill your needs you have to trust that they will be provided and stop worrying so much, get on with the day. What else is there to do if your not selfserving your needs? (I’m not saying that you stop caring about your needs, it’s more that you deal with them when the time is right, not worrying so much about it all until you need to) I guess you serve others… The strange thing is, I care so much about others that I forget about myself. I think thats why I’m numb and indifferent, I just don’t care enough about myself, theres no balance between caring for myself and caring for others… How am I ment to trust god that he will provide the care everyone needs and provide for me also? How can I trust him at all?